The crazy part is, I’d go back to her if she’d let me.
After a relationship that dissolved quietly, a joint savings account left unsettled, and the slow realisation that compatibility isn’t the same as love, Abshir* (30) is still making sense of what they had.
In this story, he talks about falling for someone who was more in love with the idea of them than with him, and what that taught him about reading the signs early on.
What’s your relationship status right now, and how are you feeling about it?
Single. And honestly, it’s strange, because the relationship didn’t end with a dramatic fight. It just… dissolved. We stopped being together before she officially called it quits, and I’m still trying to make sense of it.
Let’s go back to the beginning. How did you two meet?
It was at a volleyball court. I used to play regularly, and she came around as someone just learning the sport. I started teaching her the basics — technique, positioning, that kind of thing. In the beginning, it was purely casual. “Hi, hello, see you next time”. Nothing serious.
Then one Sunday, I was heading to church when I ran into her. Turns out we attended the same church, but we sat in totally different areas, so I asked her if she’d like to sit with me, and she did.
After the service, I invited her to a game night we were hosting at the church that same evening, which she agreed to attend. That night was the first time we really talked.
What happened that night?
Everything happened so fast. She told me about herself and her family, and I did too. There was an ease to that conversation that surprised me, and by the time we were heading back, I already knew I wanted more than friendship.
Interesting. What did you do about it?
I told her. That same night, I told her I wasn’t interested in something casual. I wanted something serious. I wanted us to work toward something real, toward marriage even. She had a boyfriend at the time, so I knew what I was saying definitely caught her off guard, but I said it anyway.
Hmm, so what happened next?
We started spending more time together. She worked not too far from where I lived, and sometimes she’d stop by before or after her shifts. We’d eat, talk, laugh; eventually, the conversations naturally moved toward our plans for the future. We were planning a life together without ever formally saying that we were together.
That sounds like it could get complicated
Well, yes. But at the time, it felt good. She was someone I genuinely enjoyed being around. We had real banter, the kind where you always find something new to laugh about, something new to “argue” about. Even now, when we get on calls, we can talk for hours. That connection didn’t disappear.
But I think I mistook that ease for something it wasn’t. I thought it meant we were building something together. I didn’t realise she might have been enjoying the friendship while I was falling in love.
When did you start to sense that something was off?
It crept up on me. She’d go through these phases where we’d be inseparable for a few months, and then she’d pull back. She’d get distant, as if she were second-guessing things, second-guessing us.
There were moments where I could tell she was restless, like she was waiting to feel something more than she did. She never said it outloud, but I could feel the difference between her being present and her going through the motions.
Did you ever talk about it?
Not exactly. We did take a break at some point, at her request. She said things were moving too fast, that she needed space to consider if what we had was what she really wanted. I respected it, but we kept talking during that time. We couldn’t really stay away from each other, but we also weren’t exactly together.
Slowly, the same conversations about the future started creeping back in. The marriage talk, the planning, and I let myself believe that meant she had made up her mind.
What about the financial side of things? you were saving money together?
That’s something I’m actually proud of, even now. I wasn’t the best at putting money aside consistently. I understood the principle, but making it a habit was hard. She convinced me to cultivate the habit, so when I decided I was finally ready to start actively saving, I suggested joint savings. I thought it made sense, given the future we were planning and the fact that it’d help me stay consistent.
Every month after I got my paycheck, I’d send a portion of it to her, she’d add hers, then move it into a savings app.
And when the relationship ended, how did you split it?
That’s where it got complicated. We never tracked things in a granular way. There were no labels on what was mine and what was hers. We’d dip into it for emergencies without keeping receipts.
“When it became clear things were ending, we tried to work out a split. She knew I had put in more, probably closer to sixty or seventy percent of what was there. So she suggested 60-40, acknowledging she would take the smaller share even if it was still a little more than she strictly deserved. I resisted that.
In the end, I told her to hold on to it for now. We haven’t formally settled it. The money is still sitting with her. I think part of me was hoping that leaving it unresolved meant we weren’t fully done. Maybe that was naive.
Do you think she ever loved you the way you loved her?
I think she cared about me, genuinely. I don’t think any of it was dishonest or calculated. But there’s a difference between caring for someone and being in love with them. She was in love with the idea of us — the safety of it, the comfort. I was in love with her.
What did this relationship teach you?
That compatibility isn’t the same as love. We were compatible, we made each other laugh, we challenged each other, we could talk about anything. But she didn’t love me enough to be all the way in.
I also learned that when someone shows you their ambivalence, even quietly, or indirectly, you have to believe them. I kept reinterpreting the signs as temporary. As something that would pass once she felt safe enough. It never did.
If you could go back and do things differently, would you?
No, I wouldn’t do things differently. Even knowing how it all turned out, I can’t say I regret choosing her. She changed me, and I needed that. Would I change the ending? Yeah. But the choices I made? I’d do that again.
