There are very few things in modern dating that people have stronger opinions about than the talking stage. Ask ten people how long it should last, and you will get ten different answers, a few situationship stories, and at least one person who refuses to acknowledge the talking stage as something that’s remotely necessary. We know this because we asked, and that is more or less exactly what happened.
Our responses came from men and women between their twenties and forties, across different relationship situations, and with varying levels of patience for romantic ambiguity. What they shared was refreshingly honest, some a little chaotic, but definitely not boring.
Everyone has a number
The “average” consensus, if you can even call it that, leans firmly toward three months or less. But the reasoning behind the numbers is where things get interesting.
Uzochi, 31
Keeps it at two to four weeks:
“I get that you can’t fully know someone in that short period, but you should at least have a sense of whether you want to move things forward or not. At some point, it’s either progressing, or it’s just dragging on.”
She is also candid about what happens when you ignore that instinct. Her most recent talking stage stretched into two years, and she traces it back to one early warning she did not act on. She does not recommend it.
Eli, 23
Personally, I think it depends on how the relationship starts. Some people start off as friends and then grow into something more, which could take anywhere from a couple of months to years. But if from the beginning the intention is to be in a relationship, then I would say three months.
NosNos, 26
Lands in a similar window, but for her, it is less about impatience and more about having a clear purpose.
“I understand that, given the times we live in, many people end up with partners who are not who they initially presented themselves to be, which can be a major challenge.. However, in a talking stage, the primary goal is to evaluate whether the person you are engaging with is someone you truly want to build a life with.
During this time, you ask meaningful questions that reveal patterns about their relationship dynamics, level of financial literacy, character traits and flaws, values, and religious alignment. If physical appearance is high on your priority list, that is also a great time to reflect on whether you are willing to compromise in that area if other important qualities are in place.
This stage is not a relationship; it’s an evaluation of the potential to become one. Most of us know what we want, and if you are still unsure, it’s better to figure that out before making yourself available.”
Seyi, 26
The talking stage is the period before the first date, and that should not last longer than two weeks. We can keep talking while we go on dates. Ideally, we should be in a defined relationship after three months.
Also, don’t shy away from asking questions for clarity. I say this because my longest talking stage went on for four months. We were going on dates and everything, but I noticed he wasn’t talking about the next step, so I initiated the conversation, and as soon as he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, I was out. Nine months later, he was engaged to someone else. Men know what they are doing. Don’t allow anyone waste your time.
Egooyibo, 22
A talking stage should typically last around three to four months. That’s enough time to decide if you want to be with someone exclusively/spot any red or green flags without rushing.
If it stretches past 4 months without clarity, that’s just a lack of intention. At that point, define things or put an end to the situationship, because you shouldn’t invest too much time in someone/something that’s uncertain.
Akin, 24
Caps it firmly at two months, and his reasoning is less about romance and more about accountability.
“A talking stage shouldn’t be longer than 2 months. Once it exceeds this time frame, I personally believe that both parties are not ready to commit to one another. Two months is enough for people to get to know one another. We’re adults for crying out loud. We must be accountable.”
Layla, 32
A talking stage shouldn’t last long. Have I kept up with that principle? No, but I digress.
The talking stage is merely a vetting process. It’s either you know what you want or you don’t. Ideally, 2 weeks or less should be enough time to make a decision.
Oluebube, 22
6 months. Honestly, I see no reason why someone would be in a talking stage for a year. I find it ridiculous. If your excuse is “ I’m trying to know him/her better,” you’re in for a long ride because people change, and you can never truly know someone’s true character.
And when asked what they’d say to someone who’s been in a talking stage for four months or more…
NosNos, 26
My dear, four months? Honestly, four months is a lot of time. I won’t say it’s automatically wrong, but I think it’s too prolonged and is indicative of a lack of direction or clarity. Personally, I would never speak to someone for more than a month.
Ace, 29
I’d be interested in what they’ve been talking about.
Zara, 22
I wouldn’t judge. I would believe he or she knows what they’re doing by taking their time to get to know someone. Because society might see it as weird does not mean it is, realistically. You can’t put a timeline on how long someone is supposed to get to know another person. That’s a whole stranger they’ve never met before, at least in some cases.
Oluebube, 22
If you have been talking to someone for four-plus months, maybe it’s time to do some deep reflection. Ask yourself why you’re hesitating, and if you both share the same values. Asking these questions might not give you the answer as to whether or not to make the relationship official, but it will bring you closer to an answer.
D, 29,
had a simpler reaction.
“Omo what are you talking about?”
Eli, 23
Most times, there’s always that one person in the talking stage who already knows that they are not interested in moving forward. So, save yourself time and move on or confront the talking stage.
So how long is too long
Most people who have been in insanely lengthy talking stages say that they were still getting to know the person. And sure, you never fully know anyone, which is why you continue to learn more about them even years into a relationship.
When it comes to a talking stage, however, you have one job, and that’s deciding if you want to pursue a relationship with that person. That is it. A talking stage is not a relationship, and should not be mistaken for one.
Quite frankly, unless we are trying to solve world hunger, what are we talking about for months on end? If a good amount of time has gone by and you still do not have an answer as to whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with someone, then it’s probably best to let that person go. And if you have decided that you want something more with someone, but they keep telling you they are not ready for a relationship, know that the “with you” is silent.
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